My demons, although quiet, are never quite silenced. Calm as they may seem to be, they wait patiently for a reason to awake, take an overdue breath and crawl back into my ear.
Am I alone in this never ending struggle to open up to someone? And when I finally allow myself to let my precious guard down, I feel crushed and rejected by their lack of response? One moment you’re trying to help the world become a better place, the next, you want to run away and disappear from everyone and everything?
A narcissist doesn’t reject you for who you are, but for who they are.. They abide by their selfish needs, unreasonable standards, high limitations and their own insecurities. I (or you) don’t have to internalize that but unfortunately for people like myself, my heart is too big, or so they say..
I am unafraid of many things but I am afraid of falling, drowning and rejection. As I look back on the things and people that I’ve been rejected by, I focused so much on the rejection being a negative, but as I sit here, I realize that I’m just being re-directed towards something better. I trust that when the answer is “no,” there is a better “yes” down the road. For the last few years, I have continuously wasted my time trying to explain who I am, and prove my worth to explicit people who are committed to misunderstanding me. Caveat is, their response almost (and always) entirely seems genuine until the fleeting feelings dissipate into an expiration date. On countless occasions, I shifted myself into multiple versions of a person I thought they’d appreciate, but nothing happened. I’d rather have a clear rejection than a fake promise any day, why pull on my emotional stability with a sense of hope? In my rational mind, I know I live by acceptance so I suppose, I’ll die by their rejection as well. I have so many words, but lack the courage.
So my doctors orders are (I too, need to follow my own advice): Continue to work hard and focus on yourself. Do not chase people. The right people who belong in your life will find a place and stay. You do your own thing. Your worth isn’t contingent on someone’s approval. You exist, you matter. Don’t ever feel guilty for asserting your needs and the need for space. Most importantly, you’re allowed to hold into the truth that who you are is exactly enough.
We all struggle and we all have to sacrifice.
Good luck. Xo, T.